Birthday blahs

I find this afternoon that I getting down about the whole birthday thing.
I have never made a big deal about it. I have never had a party.
I would prefer to keep it that way.

I had planned to gut my kitchen and put up the wallpaper I had purchased over three years ago and that the ex had made such a nasty deal about.

I planned to spend my entire weekend alone. I like that.

It has dawned on me:
* that this makes the 40th anniversary of my dear mommy's departure. She walked out the week I turned 8.

* that I will have been knitting for 45 years as of this week.

* that my oldest daughter and child turns 28.

* that my first ex disappeared with my kids 15 years ago this week.

I know that I am going to go home tonight. I will take my deep funk with me. I will most likely be unsociable with the kids. I will go to my room; to my little cocoon I made and I will pick up something. Probably that project I had meant to make for myself and I will knit. By the time I look up it will past bedtime and I will be "whoop-ed" I will have gotten a bit done on a project and I will not have thought about too much except my knitting.

I will feel comforted. I will think about my grandmothers who taught me and I will miss them and if I cry I will do it alone so no one sees me. I will once again pick up knitting and be in control.